Akatsuki On Crack: What Is That Sound?
by Zero176085
Summary: Taken captive by his brother so that he will not sell him self to Orichimaru, and to be the Akatsuki's bait for the nine tails, Sasuke is digging up all kinds of trouble at the Akatsuki hide out. What kind of mischief will our favorite little Uchiha be getting into? Crack fict. M for Language. Itachi x Sasuke pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay. So this is my first fict. And just so you know, my story will be a crack fict. So the characters will be out of character. So if you don't like that kind of stuff, I'm warning you now. Please don't leave a nasty comment. Oh, and please tell me if I misspell anything or made any grammar mistakes. I am always open to constructive criticism. Okay? Great! Here we go!**

** I don't own Naruto.  
**

Akatsuki On Crack: What Is That Sound?

Chapter: 1

Itachi and Kisame are sitting in the common area at the Akatsuki base.

"AHHHHHHH! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!"

"Did you hear something Itachi?"

"Nope. Not a thing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"YOU SICK FUCK! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Um, Itachi? Are you sure you didn't hear anything?"

"Yes Kisame. I'm very sure I didn't hear anything." Itachi sighed in annoyance.

"HEY! ARE YOU BLIND, AND DEAF? LET ME OUT!"

"Okay! Now I'm sure that I heard something!"

"Whatever. It's just your imagin-"

"SOMEONE HELP! MY BASTARD BROTHER IS HOLDING ME CAPTIVE! HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP !"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?! I'M TRYING TO PAINT MY NAILS! AND YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME!" Itachi yelled.

"Anyway. As I was saying, it's probably just your imagination."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. I need some rest. These missions that Pein-sama sends us on are becoming a real pain."

"OH MY GOD! WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A DILDO IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER?! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS ON IT?!...IS, IS THAT, IS THAT BUTT-JUICE?! HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY COLD-HEARTED, SADISTIC, PRICK OF A BROTHER LIKES DICK UP HIS ASS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Itachi's eyebrow twitched.

"Um. What was that?" Kisame tentatively asked, creeping his way to the door. It's always good to have a exit plan just in case Itachi activated sharingan.

"That would be my foolish little ass-wipe of a brother."

"He's here?!"

"Well it was either keep him here or let him go to that pedophile Orichimaru." The both of them grimaced at the thought of the snake man.

"Oh. So he'll be staying here for awhile?"

"Yeah. At least until he can kill me."

"Does the Leader know about this?"

"Yep. I cleared it with him last night. He thinks Sasuke will be good bait to lure in the nine tails."

"HEY ITACHI! CAN I USE YOUR ASS-VIBRATOR? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

A vein on Itachi's forehead started to throb, and sharingan spun wildly.

"Um. I'm gona go train. Yeah. So, uh, have fun!" Kisame made a mad dash out the door. A pissed Itachi was a dangerous Itachi.

"OI, BASTARD! YOU MUST USE THIS PURPLE ONE A LOT! IT LOOKS THE MOST WORN!... OH, AND IT SMELLS LIKE VANILLA LUBE! BY THE WAY, HOW COME YOU HAVE SO MANY GAGS? IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO KEEP YOURSELF QUITE? HAHAHAHA! "

And with that, Itachi disappeared. Leaving only a three black feathers and a spilled bottle of dark purple nail polish.

**Well. That's it! I hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me if you think I should leave this as a one shot or if I should make more chapters. It's all up to you! So please leave a review!**

**-Zero176085**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay. First of all, I would like to thank "ArachneManiac" for being my first reviewer! You really made my day! So you can thank "ArachneManiac" for inspiring me to write this chapter. **

**Anyway I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I have officially decided to make this a Itachi x Sasuke fict. So If you don't like it, then don't read it. **

**I don't own Naruto. If I did, then Sakura would have died in the first episode, Sasuke would have figured out that it was the villages fault that Itachi killed his clan BEFORE he kills him, and Kakashi would not have a mask because He's totally hot! Unfortunately this is not to be. So I will write fanfiction instead. **

Akatsuki On Crack: What Is that Sound?

Chapter: 2

Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi all sat at the kitchen table playing cards.

"Go fish!" Tobi declared at the end of his turn.

"No, you stupid! We're playing poker! Not go fish!" Deidara growled. It had taken two entire hours for the three of them to teach Tobi how to play. After he had begged and begged to be taught. Nothing had shut him up, not even a lollipop, until they had taught him. And now he was calling the game by a different name! Deidara just about ready to stuff Tobi's face full of exploding clay, throw him down a crap hole filled with shit, flush, and watch the pipes blow up.

"Deidara, calm down." Sasori whispered.

"Yeah, just relax." Kisame injected. "It's not the end of the world. I mean, he just made a little mistake. There's no need to freak out. You must have a really sharp stick up your ass! I mean for you to get so worked up over something so little, it must be waaaaaaayyyyyy up in your-"

"Kisame, shut up." Sasori said calmly, not even blinking. "If I had wanted you to talk, I would have shoved my had up your ass and worked your mouth like a puppet."

The entire table was filled with a awkward silence.

"Go fish, Kisame-sempi!" Tobi's voice seemed to echo.

"What?"

"Kisame-sempi is a fish, Deidara-sempi told me so. And if Kisame-sempi is a fish, and his turn is after mine, then it's the fishes turn! Go fish!"

Kisame and Deidara both face-palmed in annoyance.

"Alright. How about we start a new round?" Sasori suggested, seeing as they were getting nowhere.

"Sounds cool! And this time we should totally put some ca-"

"HOLY FUCK! AHHHH! DO THAT AGAIN!"

Deidara gave Sasori a strange look. "What was that?"

"Ah. Don't worry about it." Kisame sighed. "Those two have been at it since yesterday. Though I'm surprised that his voice would carry all the way over here. Damn that kid can scream. I wonder if his voice ever gets tired."

"Or if Itachi is going to go deaf." Sasori chuckled.

"What was that sound?" Tobi asked.

The three became silent at the question. They had all temporarily forgotten about Tobi's presence.

"Well?"

"Um. The sound is the product of certain people doing the thing which must not be spoken of. So you must not speak of it, okay? Can we trust you not to speak of it?" Deidara quickly supplied.

"Okay! Tobi will be a good boy, and not speak of it!"

Everyone sighed in relief. Tobi definitely didn't need to know about sex. He would never shut up.

"AHHHHH! SHIT! YES! RIGHT THERE!"

"But Tobi still wants to know what the sound is."

"I told you! You can't speak of it!" Deidara scolded.

"Okay. Sorry Sempi. Tobi is a good boy."

"Yes. Tobi is being a very good boy." Deidara sighed. Today had just been waaaay to stressful. And he knew the perfect stress reliever.

"Come on Sasori-dana, all this moaning is making me horny and I want to fuck. Pleeeeeeaaaaaase?" Deidara put on his best puppy dog eyes.

"Fine." Sasori conceded, letting his lover drag him to their room.

"What is fuck?" Tobi asked Kisame after the two lovers had left the room.

"Um. It is another thing that you must not speak of."

"Deidara-sepmi spoke of it."

"That's because Deidara is allowed."

"Oh! Can Tobi be allowed too?"

"OH GOD YES! HARDER! FUCK ME HARDER ITACHI!"

"Um, no. You may not."

"Why not? Tobi is a good boy."

"You can ask Deidara when he gets back."

"AHH! FASTER!...YES! OH SHIT! YES! FUCK!"

"Sempi, wha-"

"Um, I have to go train now. See ya Tobi." Kisame rushed out the door before Tobi could ask any more questions. Damn Itachi and Sasuke. Them and their fuck marathon was causing a whole shit-load of trouble for him.

And so Tobi was left alone in the kitchen with a deck of cards, to ponder the things that he was not allowed to speak of.

**Well that's about it. Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back! Wow it's been awhile. I sort of lost my inspiration to write, but I got it back now! :D!**

**In case you didn't know, this is a completely crack filled story. It has no plot whatsoever.**

**I want to thank all of you who reviewed. I've been to lazy to send you all IMs. So sorry about that. But just so you are all mentioned, Thank you,**

**NoelleisParadise**

**ArachneManiac**

**Guest **

**Leeda Uchiha **

**aspygirlredo**

**Okay. I think that's everyone. **

**This will be the last chapter. It doesn't really have a very conclusive ending, so you can just use your imagination. :D**

** I don't own Naruto!**

Akatsuki On Crack: What Is That Sound?

Chapter: 3

It was another bright and sunny day at the Akatsuki. Thus Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori were out in the training grounds for sparing.

"I wonder if Itachi is okay. He hasn't come out of his room since Friday. And that was two days ago." Deidara mused aloud while throwing a right cross at Sasori.

"No. He's alright. I can hear them all the way down the hall in my room, and to be frank, it's getting on my nerves." Kisame answered, aiming a round kick at Deidara.

"Oh? And why is that?" Sasori asked, ducking a left hook from his lover.

"Because all their moaning makes me horny and I'm getting tired of jacking off. I'm just about ready to sleep out here. It's the only place that you can't hear them." Kisame groaned in annoyance.

"HOLEY FUUUUUUCK!"

"Never mind." Kisame sighed.

"Lets take a break." Deidara suggested, flopping down onto the grass.

The other two nodded before following suite.

"So Kisame, why don't you get a lover? It would take care of you masturbating problem." The puppet master inquired.

"Are you blind, or have you just never looked at me?"

The three of them laughed at the comment.

"Hey, how is it that you don't hear them at night?" The shark quizzed, eying the lovers suspiciously.

"Sasori did a sound-proof jusu." The bomb artist smirked.

"What! Why the hell didn't you tell me about it?!"

"It's fun watching you suffer." The blond giggled.

"You little mother fucking bast-"

"I SWERE TO SATAIN HIMSELF, IF YOU COME NEAR ME WITH THAT DICK AGAIN, I'LL CHOP IT OFF!"

The three companions all raised their eyebrows in confusion.

"Well that was new." Sasori stated.

"Maybe our little guest got tired of getting his brains fucked out." Kisame smirked.

"Yeah. It would be funny if he cut off Itachi's dick!" Deidara laughed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH! YOU LITTLE SHIT FUCK! GET BACK HERE! AAAAHHHH! FUCK DAMN IT!"

The three akatsuki members became quite.

"You don't think he did it do you?" Kisame shuddered.

Suddenly a flash of pale skin and black hair flew past them. Running threw the forest, dodging trees and rocks, the figure jumped the akatsuki borders and continued into the woods.

"You don't think that was-" Diedara asked.

"Yep." Kisame answered.

"So that means-"

"Yep."

"Lets all pretend that we didn't just see that. Agreed?" Sasori asked.

"Agreed." The other two answered.

0.o.0.o.0

It was only until later that evening at dinner that Itachi appeared limping into the dinning room.

"Alas! You have emerged! We thought you had died in there!" Diedara exclaimed.

A frozen glare was all that he received in response.

"So Itachi, How does it feel to be a woman?" Kisame asked trying to hide his giggles.

"Ask again and you'll find out."

**Well that's it! I hope you enjoyed! Thanks everyone!**

**-Zero176085**


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